Horrorscope
Like all effective knock-out punches, this one struck me right out of the blue. Astrologers have told my parents that according to my horoscope, the time is now opportune for me to get hitched. And that they can now start looking out for suitable matches. Compound this with some planet-alignment issue that indicates a possibility of my being the black widow for the poor chap who agrees to wed me (unless his horoscope makes up for the flaw) and you can fairly imagine how the parents have started hyperventilating. And being the sticklers that they are, they have taken no half measures. Having happily interpreted the astrologers’ can as a should, they’ve submitted my horoscope and circulated my details out to various brahm matchmaking agencies, apart from setting up my profile at various matrimonial websites. Thankfully, as the parents of the girl in question and minus photographs, so far. Thank god for small mercies. Nevertheless, I feel so exposed. And betrayed. And so,so,so frustrated.
I am not ready to be married so soon. I’m only just twenty x, for chrissake, and want to wander, know myself, fix upon my career, basically live a bit, before I go down that well-worn path. Go around sowing my wild oats? (Or getting my wild oats sown :p) Maybe, maybe not. But I sure as heck want the option around.
And I have repeatedly told the parents of my unreadiness. And it has fallen on deaf, or unwilling ears. They’re consoling (deluding!) themselves that every girl protests when her parents start trying to fix her up,but that later, she is thankful to them for it. And protesting that it isn’t as if they’re choosing that I get married soon, but that it is what’s in my fate, and that they’re only doing their duty as good parents by looking out for me. And of course, resorting to emotional blackmail whenever I protest. Bah! Never have I liked the idea of destiny less. I’m a firm believer in free will, now :p
It also doesn’t help matters that I ooze tears whenever they talk to me about this. I’m just so frustrated at not being heard, I’m unable to express myself properly. My crying has now become an expected outcome of every such discussion, and is therefore discounted as something that I always do, and so devalued.
I do listen to them, but just cannot subscribe to their point of view. Taking decisions fearing bad outcomes is something they have always done. They have always played it safe, tying me down, and never letting me experiment with my life, and soar. They’ve at least had circumstances to blame in the past, but that excuse has long since expired.
I am just exhausted. Tired of not being listened to. Tired of crying in bathrooms. Annoyed at having to allow them to give into irrational fears and play with my life. But I’m going to keep on resisting. For more than two decades, I have been a spectator in my own life, going with the flow, watching as things happen to me, and putting up with it all. No more. The stage is mine now, and I’m stepping up. As the lead, and not her shadow. And I will live my life on my own terms now. Even if it means making mistakes. They will at least be my mistakes. I hope I have the strength to stay true to myself, and the people I love, and not hurt the people who love me so much that it cripples me. For all our sakes.
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